I let a place pull me in

I never know why at first

I feel the magnetism

And I find a way to find myself there

It’s the energy of a place

And I truly believe that

Trust you know what you need

And then arrive

Tap in

Into whatever wisdom it has to offer

Costa Rica

For me, personally, is unfolding into something around self worth and self image

Manifesting through my physical health and body

Being in alignment with nature and the animal kingdom

Is unravelling my belief system

Stepping outside of myself to be of service

I’m starting to soften and I feel my walls coming down

It’s fucking scary

I’m most afraid to see myself

Because I don’t know what I’ll think when I see -

Just WHO I AM

‘Just’ - without makeup, wearing basics, unbrushed, tired, sick, language-less, unskilled, foreign, broke, exhausted, alone....

I projected it all first

Through them, through you

I don’t want you to ‘see me’

To see me like this - what if you don’t want me, like me, love me? And then what if I can’t change?

I stripped bare, literally

I let it all out

All of my insecurities

Every day I showed up - as Myself.

And then I realised

I am safe

And I am worthy

Worthy of being loved exactly as I am

Not later, not when I’m improved

But RIGHT NOW in the process

In amongst all my mess

Exploring my junk - every fat cell, wrinkle, stretch mark, freckle, mole, hair, pimple, bone, muscle, joint, follicle, blemish....

I inhale acceptance

I exhale shame

I’ve been holding back

Afraid to make the first move

Because deep down, somewhere

I didn’t think I was good enough

Everything I wanted I put just outside my reach

All the rich, juicy stuff - the passion and fire

As though my ideal life was too good

Too perfect

But that’s the point

It is perfect - perfect for me

I don’t know when or how I got like this

Deep seated fear hiding in my system

Unconsciously draining my dreams

Afraid of my own greatness

I didn’t want to be rejected - so I just didn’t try

I kept settling for less

Because it’s easy to let go of things we don’t need or things we already have

I found comfort in my ‘Paisley patterns’

Repeating experiences to relearn old lessons... because it made me feel good, accomplished and successful.

I was soaking up my own shit stories and starting to believing them

But then I lost him.

The love of my life, my brother, Jesse to suicide

I lost him for good - in physical form.

And it sparked something inside me - to GO for it!

I wanted him to feel worthy

I wanted to him to realise how beautiful he was, powerful, creative, intelligent, passionate, resilient, fearless....

If only he knew that - if only he could realise his potential and claim it all

And then it dawned on me

I - wasn’t doing that for myself.

I guess you could say, I was too afraid to love myself.

I didn’t want to come off arrogant, self obsessed, cocky, pretentious... I didn’t want to be ‘that’ person.

So I shut it allllllll down.

And now here I am.

Sitting under the palm trees, watching the sunset in Costa Rica.

Being with Myself, ‘just’ as I am. 

Tapping into the energy of place that lives life!! Literally, a ‘blue zone’ place of ‘longevity’ where it’s proven that people not only live longer, they live better!

PURA VIDA

All my basic desires are met

I want to find this for myself

I want to love myself so I can bare it all - to you, to them, to myself. 

So I can genuinely be of service from a place of truth and integrity.

And part of that journey begins with my physical body. An aspect of self I haven’t felt empowered in for a long time...

And so I stretch, strengthen, cleanse, align, rest, massage, touch, meditate and MOVE.

Movement creates change

In the mind and in the body

Travelling out there to move in here

Testing out my self worth on strangers in a strange place - feeling how I am accepted - and learning to accept myself

Gently and lovingly I open up

because I am so damn worthy.