being ok, alone

Sometimes I feel alone.

I find myself suspended in a moment.

No clue what day it is, and not bothered to check the time.

Not here - not there.

Feet on the ground and head in clouds…… anchored yet elusive.

It’s as though I’m viewing myself through every exchange.

The Self observing the Self.

A weird kinda introverted moment, feeling deeply connected to Myself.

Freedom’ll do that -

CREATE SPACE.

Boredom too.

Sometimes I don’t even know I’m about to fall into a space, into a moment.

It catches me off guard, like being bare in the shower, or going for a long drive, arriving early to an appointment or forgetting my phone, sometimes it’s just coming home to an empty house.

I like it though.

Little moments of silence in the mind, void of thought and expectation.

It takes a while for the mind to realise that finally, there’s nothing to do.

Rest a while, here, with me, in the heart.

I take my first deep, conscious breath. I hear my heart beat behind my ears.

I drop my shoulders and my jaw, I let my stomach loose.

Stop and feel - who am I, right now?

How’ve I been lately? How is my day?

I had a massage a couple days ago…was kinda a spontaneous affair.

As soon as I put my face through the gap in the pillows, I found myself alone, once again.

I couldn’t believe how SORE my body was, fuck me. That hurt.

Wasn’t like me to lose the connection between mind and body… what the eff had I been up to? How’d I become clueless to the tension in my body…?

Well, to be fair. I was partying a lot. Circa 2013 Paisley, apparently.

I think I was just letting off steam, from xmas and new year and the house break-in. Moments of missing my late brother. Moments of wondering what to do next with life.

Alone, again. What a relief!

For a moment, I’m overcome with sorrow and grief. I feel my body, I realise my reality, things that have happened and confusion kicks in. Mostly, it’s the not knowing what the hell I’m really doing. Does anyone?

I feel sadness and sometimes I cry. Sometimes I even sob a little, whatever’s needed.

I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I can cry alone, self soothe and find my own equilibrium and balance point.

I’ve always been like this. But if I’m being honest, I’ve given some of these moments away. It’s so easy to call an old flame and fill the void with something that feels good for a little while. Sensory, physical, emotional … humans are good at illusions. And yes, that includes endorphin lifting food and tv.

But it doesn’t really satisfy the soul, well, not in my experience.

Now, I’m not saying you, or I, have to do it alone.

If you’re lucky enough to have true love or soulful connections than, you’re lucky enough!

I know as well as anyone the importance of community and friendship…speaking out loud and sharing our inner thoughts to realise the normality of all of this chaos.

Sharing moments is incredibly humbling and healing – and it’s served me well over the past 5 months.

But at the end of the day, we all stand alone in our minds.

No one can get in there, convert and coordinate our thoughts for us.

We must do the work.

Train the brain, feel the feels. Reflect on our conduct, realise our potential, release limiting beliefs, shift bad into good.

I’m not afraid to be alone because I know I’m all I’ve got, whether I like it or not.

Partner, no partner. Family, no family. Friends, no friends.

Here, I am. Me and you, this inner dialogue, these inner feelings, this present moment.

So long as I live, we’re in this together.

I hope you find these moments, too. Whoever you are, reading this.

To yourself, for yourself, from yourself.

With love, with laugher, with whatever you need to find yourself once again.

Having said all this, if you find yourself in a dark place, battling negative thoughts or with serious mental health – seek professional help. NEVER GO INWARD ON A NEGATIVE. Too much time alone, spiralling in negative thoughts is risky business.

No one can get into your head, but the right people can give you techniques and tools that will assist.

I didn’t find my own inner peace without assistance. I’ve been meditating my entire life, following different religious methods to self-development and more recently, say last 5 years, participating in regular ITA energy medicine and mentoring sessions. Maintaining a positive mindset takes work. I highly recommend finding at least one, true friend or likeminded social circle.

So long as you live, strive to find yourself, in a moment, alone and absolutely in love.

Find what works you for – find a mentor or professional that stands in truth and practises what they preach. Repetition and consistency are the keys to long term positive growth.

It is possible, to be ok, alone!

Much love,

Paisley