exploring my own self-worth
I let a place pull me in
I never know why at first
I feel the magnetism
And I find a way to find myself there
It’s the energy of a place
And I truly believe that
Trust you know what you need
And then arrive
Tap in
Into whatever wisdom it has to offer
Costa Rica
For me, personally, is unfolding into something around self worth and self image
Manifesting through my physical health and body
Being in alignment with nature and the animal kingdom
Is unravelling my belief system
Stepping outside of myself to be of service
I’m starting to soften and I feel my walls coming down
It’s fucking scary
I’m most afraid to see myself
Because I don’t know what I’ll think when I see -
Just WHO I AM
‘Just’ - without makeup, wearing basics, unbrushed, tired, sick, language-less, unskilled, foreign, broke, exhausted, alone....
I projected it all first
Through them, through you
I don’t want you to ‘see me’
To see me like this - what if you don’t want me, like me, love me? And then what if I can’t change?
I stripped bare, literally
I let it all out
All of my insecurities
Every day I showed up - as Myself.
And then I realised
I am safe
And I am worthy
Worthy of being loved exactly as I am
Not later, not when I’m improved
But RIGHT NOW in the process
In amongst all my mess
Exploring my junk - every fat cell, wrinkle, stretch mark, freckle, mole, hair, pimple, bone, muscle, joint, follicle, blemish....
I inhale acceptance
I exhale shame
I’ve been holding back
Afraid to make the first move
Because deep down, somewhere
I didn’t think I was good enough
Everything I wanted I put just outside my reach
All the rich, juicy stuff - the passion and fire
As though my ideal life was too good
Too perfect
But that’s the point
It is perfect - perfect for me
I don’t know when or how I got like this
Deep seated fear hiding in my system
Unconsciously draining my dreams
Afraid of my own greatness
I didn’t want to be rejected - so I just didn’t try
I kept settling for less
Because it’s easy to let go of things we don’t need or things we already have
I found comfort in my ‘Paisley patterns’
Repeating experiences to relearn old lessons... because it made me feel good, accomplished and successful.
I was soaking up my own shit stories and starting to believing them
But then I lost him.
The love of my life, my brother, Jesse to suicide
I lost him for good - in physical form.
And it sparked something inside me - to GO for it!
I wanted him to feel worthy
I wanted to him to realise how beautiful he was, powerful, creative, intelligent, passionate, resilient, fearless....
If only he knew that - if only he could realise his potential and claim it all
And then it dawned on me
I - wasn’t doing that for myself.
I guess you could say, I was too afraid to love myself.
I didn’t want to come off arrogant, self obsessed, cocky, pretentious... I didn’t want to be ‘that’ person.
So I shut it allllllll down.
And now here I am.
Sitting under the palm trees, watching the sunset in Costa Rica.
Being with Myself, ‘just’ as I am.
Tapping into the energy of place that lives life!! Literally, a ‘blue zone’ place of ‘longevity’ where it’s proven that people not only live longer, they live better!
PURA VIDA
All my basic desires are met
I want to find this for myself
I want to love myself so I can bare it all - to you, to them, to myself.
So I can genuinely be of service from a place of truth and integrity.
And part of that journey begins with my physical body. An aspect of self I haven’t felt empowered in for a long time...
And so I stretch, strengthen, cleanse, align, rest, massage, touch, meditate and MOVE.
Movement creates change
In the mind and in the body
Travelling out there to move in here
Testing out my self worth on strangers in a strange place - feeling how I am accepted - and learning to accept myself
Gently and lovingly I open up
because I am so damn worthy.